Domestic Violence: Knowing What to Do When it is Time to Leave

This article is the third in a series, which focus on domestic violence. In the first article, I described some of the common characteristics of an abuser’s behavior and why you may not see the abuse coming. The second focused on asking the abuser to change his behavior. This article addresses steps to take to exit safely.

A couple of weeks following the day when she came to really believe that her husband was not interested in changing, Colette (not her real name) announced in a confident voice it was time to leave. She had given up hope and she just didn’t want to take his abuse anymore.

Together, we discussed what she could do ensure her safety before, during and after her move out of the home. She already had found a friend who would offer her a room in she needed to leave quickly. Colette had a bag of emergency supplies stashed already at her friend’s house and in her car.

Since Colette co owned the home she shared with her husband, she decided to consult an attorney to find learn about restraining orders and what financial responsibility she would face in maintaining the home while she lived away.

7 Strategies for Planning to Exit

· Before an emergency occurs, know where you can go, such as to family, friends or a domestic
violence shelter. Let others know to expect you.

· If you suspect the abuser is reading your mail, rent a post office box.

· Establish your own bank account and keep it private.

· Keep a phone with you at all times.

· Avoid substances so you can think clearly and quickly to avoid danger or escape.

· If the abuser has access to weapons, promise yourself to leave immediately if an argument arises.

· Make plans to find other housing without his awareness

Exiting safely

· Plan to leave when he will not be around. This could reduce the likelihood of him damaging property or derailing your plans.

· Take everything with you, as you may not have another chance to retrieve items. Include legal documents, medications, electronic equipment and personal items.

What to Do After You Leave?

· While you may want to keep your situation a secret because of feeling shame or self-blame, know that one of the best ways to keep yourself safe in the future, is to ask others to keep a lookout for the abuser. These could include trust worthy co-workers, friends and people who know you through different social groups.

· If the abuser has threatened or hurt you in the past, inform the police of your whereabouts. Ask them to explain how protective plans like restraining orders work.

· If you already have a restraining order, keep it with you at all times. Give copies to reliable friends and family.

· Make your residence secure by changing locks after you move in.

· Vary the route you drive daily to minimize the chance of being followed.

· Seek others such as a friend or counselor to help support you emotionally as you heal and grieve.

But Wait…

I know it will be better for me to leave, but I am afraid of how he will react once he realizes I am gone for good.

It is not uncommon for an abuser to feel threatened by your decision. In his mind, he and not you, get to say when you come and go. Of course, it may be impossible to anticipate all the ways he will respond. Find others whom you judge as capable of really helping you to stay safe. This could include seeking out the support and guidance of a woman’s domestic violence shelter.

Now that I made the decision to leave I feel stronger. Is this normal?

For some it’s very normal and a sign of reclaiming your autonomy and independence. This self-confidence will serve you well as you move forward and find a new way of being.

My partner seems ok with me leaving. I’m not sure I should trust him.

He may or may not be trustworthy. Like some men, he may hide his anger until after you have left. Once you are gone, he may explode as he sees that you have slipped from his control. He may lash out physically, interfere with your finances or destroy property then suddenly disappear to avoid prosecution. Knowing that these things may happen may help you to prepare your exit. Documenting conversations with him and making notes about his behavior may help you if you need to ever take legal action.

What about Colette?

When the day came to leave, Colette felt ready to go. After her husband had gone to work, she had friends come to move her belongings into her apartment. One of them agreed to stay with her for a couple of nights in case her husband somehow found her new home. The note she left for him was brief; it said she had gone, and that if he wanted to contact her, a mutual friend would relay messages. Colette had already told reliable co-workers and friends in her social groups about the separation. They agreed to keep an eye out for her well-being.

Summary

· By preplanning your exit from an abusive relationship, you can increase the likelihood of staying safe.
· When you leave, consider doing it without his knowledge and taking what is valuable to you in case you do not get another chance to claim your belongings.
· After you have left, evaluate if you are still at risk of harm. If so, seek support of trustworthy friends, a domestic violence shelter or legal authorities to help keep you safe.

Next step?

Acting on a decision to leave an abusive relationship can feel like and is a big transition. You may experience insecurities at having to make it on your own, grief at having to say goodbye to someone who was important to you and a significant change in your finances or friends. It will take time to absorb and accommodate to these changes. You may be tempted to return. When you feel these urges, consulting with friends and co workers, who understand how he treated you, may help you to do a reality check and renew your determination to reclaim your autonomy and self-confidence.

Psychotherapists who understand how domestic violence affects the physiology and how your body knows how to recover from it are excellent resources to help with the transition. A list of somatically trained therapists throughout the world can be found at the Somatic Experiencing Training Institute’s (SETI) website at   Trauma Healing.

Trained by SETI in trauma therapy, I am available to see clients in the greater Denver, Colorado area. I offer complimentary 30-minute consultations for you to see if my approach will work for you. In addition, I list books to read about domestic violence on my website   Healing After Trauma.

Another resource is the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or, for the hearing impaired, the TTY service at 1-800-787-3224.